My therapist wants me to keep track of my mood so that i can better learn about the phases of bipolar. I figured if I was going to keep track I might as well put a bit more effort into it than just assigning a number to how I feel. I have spent most of my life thinking i was ADHD. I thought this mostly because my doctor told me so when i was 6. I think I might also have ADHD because my leg won't stop jittering and ooo look something shiny is a daily occurrence. Though after talking with my mom and my therapist I think that the Bipolar is probably stronger than the ADHD.
For some reason it is much harder to accept being Bipolar than it is to think i am ADHD. It isn't that i don't believe my therapist i think she is right, I feels as if Bipolar carries with it a certain stigma. ADHD seems hip and cool. Which is a really stupid statement because it is very challenging sitting through a class or a meeting and trying to retain what is going on. It is horrible forgetting what you were talking about midsentance. Bipolar feels as if I am flawed in someway that is going to hurt my family. It is an interesting experience to be able to discuss this with my mother, whom I am pretty certain has suspected that i was more than ADHD for a couple years now. It is not a pleasant experience to be able to look at your behavior from a perspective of it being wrong. I spent most of my life not understanding why people were upset by my behavior when it made perfect sense to me. Alot of stuff goes on in my head and getting it from my head past my lips rarely happens. It's not that I don't want to it's simply that I can't.
So my day today..
I thought i was doing good until i took a shower. I was maniac productive right before Christmas and it felt good to get things done and I guess a part of me thought i would be able to hold onto it but I am starting to doubt that I will be able to keep that house clean. I didn't have a panic attack at the dentit today which was AWESOME!! but when I got home i skirted my responsibilities and pushed the kids off on David all the while giving him advice on how to handle them. I spent the day in bed avoiding my kids, the house that needed to be cleaned and my husband. I was easily roused to a very satisfying rageby some internet dweeb and felt the need to sink my teeth and nails into something fleshy. Woud have given anything for some one to beat the crap of and cut right then. Faded and I went back to hiding in my room. Had sex with David, it was okay and then i took a shower and i realized what was happening. I tooka shower in the dark. It's peaceful and soothing but mostly what it is is dark. My head shuts up for a bit and I realized that the pleasant manic phase was fading.
So that's my day doc.
Cycle day 5
Meds Welbutrin in the morning didn't take my Celexa because I need to make a doctors appt to get more
Mood scale 4
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