You, Me, and the DTs

Day From HELL.  Finally detoxing from the lack of celexa in my system in addition to feeling like crap.  I would cry for no reason and spent the entire day curled up in my recliner spending money on itunes episodes of BSG.  I woke up knowing the day was going to be an absolute disaster.  I begged David to stay home so that I would have some support but he had a big project at work and had to go.  Spent the entire day crying.  Had suicidal thoughts but didn't act on them.  Mom took the kids all day so that I could rest.  Was able to hide it when the kids got home but wasn't any more productive.  I was so neglectful of my children that L destroyed my nativity and I didn't even notice until afterwards.  Absolutly crap day.

Mood Number: 1

Cycle Day: 8

Meds: Welbutrin which does absolutly nothing.

Sunday and Monday

Wow updating a behavior blog is not any easier than updating a personal blog!! I am shocked... not really. Sunday i had breakfast with my mother and when I got home is went to sleep. Not because i was depressed but because I am sick and i had dental work the day before and not much sleep the night before. I slept because i was tired. Work up around 2:40 ish to find that David who is also sick wasn't feeling well either and the house still needed to be cleaned before D n D. I was able to clean over a period of an hour in short bursts interrupted by video game play, (Damn you Lich KING!!) which I firmly place at David's and Blizzard's feet. I take responsibility for playing but i wouldn't know about it with out David. D n Ders showed up early but it was nice to chat with Nate and Patrick before Liz and A showed up. Once everyone was there they spent 25 minutes trying to decide what to order for dinner and that was annoying. I ran the story for the evening and while it seemed to take forever my friends and family seemed to enjoy it. David had to take care of the kids and seemed to be very mean to me including making the comment that a wife and kids was a level of hell. While a part of my brain knew he was joking a part of me acknowledged that this was not the first time in the last few months that David had made a comment like that. I didn't really have the time to worry about it then but every once in awhile it pops back into me head and hurts again. David seemed upset and annoyed that he had to take care of the kids and I felt helpless that I couldn't do both things and annoyed that he couldn't suck it up and handle it.
Sunday was a bad day because I couldn't help David and I was hurt by his words.

Mood Number: 3
Hard to stay positive and slept when i should have sucked it up and helped David with the kids.
Cycle day: 6
Meds: Welbutrin still need to refill my Celexa


Monday
Had to help mom get her car fixed ended up spend the entire morning with her running errands for Feast of the Kings. Was tired when that was done. When I am productive it is easier to power through the tiredness. But when i am sick and down it is challenging to do that. I got L to nap and instead of napping also i played video games. When mom came home with K I was able to get him started on homework and clean a little bit. K had a friend over and I tried to work out their problem. I didn't finish cleaning the dinning room for family dinner night. I couldn't seem to stick to it. I cleaned out the dog crate and swept all around it but couldn't seem to sweep the rest of the room. It was a bit frustrating that I couldn't complete a job that i knew i could do.

Mood number: 3
Upset by inability to finish a task
Cycle day 7
Meds: Forgot to take anything today. Still haven't refilled my celexa but i did call Dr. Schmid to get a meds request.

My therapist said so that's why

My therapist wants me to keep track of my mood so that i can better learn about the phases of bipolar. I figured if I was going to keep track I might as well put a bit more effort into it than just assigning a number to how I feel. I have spent most of my life thinking i was ADHD. I thought this mostly because my doctor told me so when i was 6. I think I might also have ADHD because my leg won't stop jittering and ooo look something shiny is a daily occurrence. Though after talking with my mom and my therapist I think that the Bipolar is probably stronger than the ADHD.
For some reason it is much harder to accept being Bipolar than it is to think i am ADHD. It isn't that i don't believe my therapist i think she is right, I feels as if Bipolar carries with it a certain stigma. ADHD seems hip and cool. Which is a really stupid statement because it is very challenging sitting through a class or a meeting and trying to retain what is going on. It is horrible forgetting what you were talking about midsentance. Bipolar feels as if I am flawed in someway that is going to hurt my family. It is an interesting experience to be able to discuss this with my mother, whom I am pretty certain has suspected that i was more than ADHD for a couple years now. It is not a pleasant experience to be able to look at your behavior from a perspective of it being wrong. I spent most of my life not understanding why people were upset by my behavior when it made perfect sense to me. Alot of stuff goes on in my head and getting it from my head past my lips rarely happens. It's not that I don't want to it's simply that I can't.

So my day today..
I thought i was doing good until i took a shower. I was maniac productive right before Christmas and it felt good to get things done and I guess a part of me thought i would be able to hold onto it but I am starting to doubt that I will be able to keep that house clean. I didn't have a panic attack at the dentit today which was AWESOME!! but when I got home i skirted my responsibilities and pushed the kids off on David all the while giving him advice on how to handle them. I spent the day in bed avoiding my kids, the house that needed to be cleaned and my husband. I was easily roused to a very satisfying rageby some internet dweeb and felt the need to sink my teeth and nails into something fleshy. Woud have given anything for some one to beat the crap of and cut right then. Faded and I went back to hiding in my room. Had sex with David, it was okay and then i took a shower and i realized what was happening. I tooka shower in the dark. It's peaceful and soothing but mostly what it is is dark. My head shuts up for a bit and I realized that the pleasant manic phase was fading.
So that's my day doc.

Cycle day 5
Meds Welbutrin in the morning didn't take my Celexa because I need to make a doctors appt to get more
Mood scale 4